it's made me think of my grandparents; both my nans, & my gramps. i miss them all so much, it makes my whole body hurt. i'd give my life to spend even five more minutes with them all. i remember when i was younger & i'd hate having to go to their house, how it all seemed such a chore- i wish they were around now so i could see them & appreciate the time i had left with them. i know it sounds corny, but you honestly don't know what you've got till it's gone- they are the biggest example of this, to me. it might sound strange, because one of my nan's died when i was four so i only have vague memories of her, but i truly feel like i grew up with a void within me- where she should have been. she was pretty much the constant in my life until i was four, i spent all my time with her because both my parents worked full time, & no one really explained anything to me when she died. now you see her, now you don't. it's been six years since my gramps passed, but it feels like yesterday. i remember the night he got sick, so vividly- i've never heard fear in anyone's voice like in my nan's. it's been four years since her. i still double take at people in the street, thinking it's them.
i don't believe in god; i'll never make any apologies for this or try & explain myself, it's my belief & that's that. BUT i like to think there is something after death (i believe in spirits etc- proper bum sally morgan4lyf). i hope that i am right & when i die i'll see them all again. sometimes i want to test it, so i can see them now. that sounds ridiculous but it's true. i don't know if i'd cope with them seeing me now though; sometimes i feel like they're betting off not knowing me now, what i've become. or more so, what i've not become. what have i amounted to over the past twenty years? a scared little girl who's life revolves around a toilet bowl? they'd be so disappointed. i'm so disappointed.
i need them back.
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