nothing to lose, & it's damaged, cause patterns will fall as quick as i do.

the last few days, i have been utterly & completely consumed with anger.
my mind is bitter, & it's increasingly difficult to bite my tongue or care that i might offend someone- because i just don't care anymore. i don't care if people want to hear what i have to say, or whether people like me- i don't care about them, because i don't have the energy to care about myself.
i don't want to sound melodramatic, but for about a week, i've wanted to die. literally wanted to die; not in any way, shape or form does that mean i want to kill myself. i just don't want to be here anymore.


last week i tried a bit of 'normal' student living. i went out on three different nights (might not seem like much, but keep in mind that i don't normally go out at all); i stumbled through the week in a drunken/hungover/injured haze- i didn't enjoy it. i don't like drinking & the whole charade i have to employ when going out; i HATE the mental struggle when chosing an outfit. .. whether you've got too much of yourself on show, how fat you look & what people will think of you. i hate feeling people looking at me when i'm out; i hate people talking to me like their my best friends, when i've literally just met them. I HATE IT WHEN RANDOM MEN PICK ME UP IN THE STREET, or refer to you as 'that bird wif da red 'air'. i hate people friends getting your drink from the bar, & not being 100% sure if it's diet coke. i hate it when someone tells you there's a kurb when you've already gone arse over tits. i hate feeling like the 3rd wheel when some guys like your friend. i hate it when people try to compliment you; but you feel it's more of a judgement.


i just hate hate hateatjrbgjkdbjgb everything.
i want to scream, cry, throw myself on the floor & thrash myself around until every ounce of this feeling goes away. i feel like i need to have some almighty crash & reset.

half of me wants to reach out & tell someone i'm not coping; not my friends. someone who can help me do something; but they never believe me. never.






i dont' even know what i want anymore. just not this.
i don't want my blog to be comprised solely with my moaning; i don't want my mental health to be the only part anyone can see of me. but in the 'real world' no one sees it.

aihfrlsfljdbnfg.