running down corridoors, through automatic doors.

i read something earlier. or didn't read something. either way, i knew what you meant, & i know you couldn't bring yourself to say it because it's the truth hurts.
but by not saying it, made it worse.





i don't know what i'm doing anymore, & i don't care. the door is locked & i refuse to leave. i won't see anyone, nor will the see me.
i need to dig a whole & bury myself in it. i'm a fucking mess.

everything burns; while everyone screams.

i felt it coming this time; it normally just happens without me realising, but not this time.
i feel suffocated, & out of my depth.


so, so out of my depth.

why do you play me like a game?

it’s not okay; i don’t feel safe.

i tell my love to wreck it all.

i miss this.

come on skinny love, just last the year.

my mind is gone, i'm spinnin' round

i don't even know how to start what i have to say; i've just spent the weekend with my mum & one of my best friends from home- it was lovely to see them. just what i needed. a cuddle from my mummy. i'm welling up writing this; because they left about an hour ago, & i miss them ridiculous amounts already. i want my mum to come back & just sit with me & give me a cuddle. i'm sad that they've left, really sad that i stood at the roadside & waved my mum off; but it feels like a normal sad. i don't feel like i want to die for the first time in over a week. i FEEL today, which most of the time i don't think i do. i THINK i can name my emotion but i don't FEEL anything. i feel somewhat content that i've seen them but the amount i miss my mum is unmeasurable.

three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks.
three weeks. .

three weeks is how long i have till i'm home & i'm craving my family, i'm craving cuddles & feeling loved, & being somewhere i know when my head is somewhere i don't. if that makes sense. . .idk.






ANYWAY, i've just caught up on everyone's blogs from the weekend & such. they're all so positive & lovely :) it makes me smile :) i like it when my friends are happy, & upbeat.
they've made me feel better today, it litterally feels like my heart has been lifted & it feels really really nice. i don't want to jinx it, BUT IT DOES.

so, i have no emo, moany shit to rant today. today i'm just letting myself 'be' & i'm letting myself cry cause i miss my mum, but it's okay. i also told my mum i love her- which is a massive thing for me (it sounds ridiculously stupid, but i have an intense, irrational fear of admitting i love people, to their face).


I LOVE MY MUMMA PENNY.
<3

this a really, really old picture of my mummy & i, but it's the only one i have :)

when live leaves us behind;

nothing to lose, & it's damaged, cause patterns will fall as quick as i do.

the last few days, i have been utterly & completely consumed with anger.
my mind is bitter, & it's increasingly difficult to bite my tongue or care that i might offend someone- because i just don't care anymore. i don't care if people want to hear what i have to say, or whether people like me- i don't care about them, because i don't have the energy to care about myself.
i don't want to sound melodramatic, but for about a week, i've wanted to die. literally wanted to die; not in any way, shape or form does that mean i want to kill myself. i just don't want to be here anymore.


last week i tried a bit of 'normal' student living. i went out on three different nights (might not seem like much, but keep in mind that i don't normally go out at all); i stumbled through the week in a drunken/hungover/injured haze- i didn't enjoy it. i don't like drinking & the whole charade i have to employ when going out; i HATE the mental struggle when chosing an outfit. .. whether you've got too much of yourself on show, how fat you look & what people will think of you. i hate feeling people looking at me when i'm out; i hate people talking to me like their my best friends, when i've literally just met them. I HATE IT WHEN RANDOM MEN PICK ME UP IN THE STREET, or refer to you as 'that bird wif da red 'air'. i hate people friends getting your drink from the bar, & not being 100% sure if it's diet coke. i hate it when someone tells you there's a kurb when you've already gone arse over tits. i hate feeling like the 3rd wheel when some guys like your friend. i hate it when people try to compliment you; but you feel it's more of a judgement.


i just hate hate hateatjrbgjkdbjgb everything.
i want to scream, cry, throw myself on the floor & thrash myself around until every ounce of this feeling goes away. i feel like i need to have some almighty crash & reset.

half of me wants to reach out & tell someone i'm not coping; not my friends. someone who can help me do something; but they never believe me. never.






i dont' even know what i want anymore. just not this.
i don't want my blog to be comprised solely with my moaning; i don't want my mental health to be the only part anyone can see of me. but in the 'real world' no one sees it.

aihfrlsfljdbnfg.

seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing. it's okay not to be okay.

i keep replay this song, & telling myself this line.
IT'S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY.

i haven't yet convinced myself; i mean, i can see this for other people- everyone, just not myself.
i have to be okay, or at least play the part.



i wasn't very well at the end of last week, i'm starting to get over it now but half of me wants it back. i couldn't eat much, which meant no purging & no lax for a few days (also, no shitting for 3 days LOL). i'm just urgh. i'm just really fed up at the minute.
when i tried to post my last entry, i pressed something & it disappeared on me- it sent me over the edge. i went into a flying rage, on myself- i decided that i wanted to die (for all of 15 minutes), obviously  i didn't do anything to enable that, but i did cut.
i cut for the first time in a few months, only the 2nd time since i've been at uni. i suppose this should be half a good sign- i.e. it's a slip up, & i can get back on track from it. but, i've thought of doing nothing else since.





one of my best friends is coming up for a few days, tomorrow. i'm hoping it'll do me good, at least raise my moods. because i'm really not a very happy bunny right now.












i'm really sorry that this blog has become somewhat based on how miserable i think everything is right now.

is a house really a home when your loved ones are gone?

i've just read a really, really, lovely blog about one of my friends & their nan. it was so nice to hear someone who doesn't resent having to see or hear from their grandparents.
it's made me think of my grandparents; both my nans, & my gramps. i miss them all so much, it makes my whole body hurt. i'd give my life to spend even five more minutes with them all. i remember when i was younger & i'd hate having to go to their house, how it all seemed such a chore- i wish they were around now so i could see them & appreciate the time i had left with them. i know it sounds corny, but you honestly don't know what you've got till it's gone- they are the biggest example of this, to me. it might sound strange, because one of my nan's died when i was four so i only have vague memories of her, but i truly feel like i grew up with a void within me- where she should have been. she was pretty much the constant in my life until i was four, i spent all my time with her because both my parents worked full time, & no one really explained anything to me when she died. now you see her, now you don't. it's been six years since my gramps passed, but it feels like yesterday. i remember the night he got sick, so vividly- i've never heard fear in anyone's voice like in my nan's. it's been four years since her. i still double take at people in the street, thinking it's them.


i don't believe in god; i'll never make any apologies for this or try & explain myself, it's my belief & that's that. BUT i like to think there is something after death (i believe in spirits etc- proper bum sally morgan4lyf). i hope that i am right & when i die i'll see them all again. sometimes i want to test it, so i can see them now. that sounds ridiculous but it's true. i don't know if i'd cope with them seeing me now though; sometimes i feel like they're betting off not knowing me now, what i've become. or more so, what i've not become. what have i amounted to over the past twenty years? a scared little girl who's life revolves around a toilet bowl? they'd be so disappointed. i'm so disappointed.

i need them back.