this time, won't you save me?

baby, i can feel myself giving up.

i wanna be free; i wanna be new & different- anything i'm not.

i'm growing weary of this life of sleep deprivation.
it's been over two weeks since i've had a 'decent' night's sleep-most days i'm surviving on an hour or so of sleep, other days i spend in bed drifting in & out of light sleep. i don't understand it.


i'm low at the moment, & for the first time in a while (maybe ever), i'm not hiding it. i'm letting people (well, a few people) know that i'm not right, i'm not okay & life's not fun. i don't know what i expect by talking about it, to be fair i expect nothing- i know nothing can be done. a part of me just felt that maybe if i finally made the moves that i've been encouraged to, by talking to people, that maybe it would help- maybe it would make it all go away. an idealistic segment of my mind had unrealistically hoped that, by talking, everything would go away & things would be alright again. i know this is naive, but it was all but a faint hope.

i'm not asking to be on top of the world; i've never said i want a feeling of complete contentedness & happiness for the rest of my life- i just want to be okay. i want to feel alive. i want to LIVE, to walk out the door, breathe in & feel the oxygen racing round my body- i want to feel every emotion & appreciate every moment.

i want to run away from my head, just get out of it for a while. i don't want to lie down every night, hoping that tomorrow doesn't come- i don't want to walk down the street & find myself contemplating hurting myself. i don't want to be this, this is not a life; it is merely an exsitance.




i wanna be free; i wanna be new & different- anything i'm not.

christmas & the end of another year;

the older i get, the less i enjoy christmas. i'm assured that it's 'normal' to feel this way, but i can't help but feel that there is a difference is my indifference to this festive time of year. there's really nothing at all that i enjoy about christmas. i can't decide whether this is due to my mind being more & more consumed by anxiety over christmas dinner, every year. maybe.

over the last few months, but especially the days surrounding christmas day, i have been severely missing my nan & gramps. every time i think of them, i feel a surge of guilt rise within me, & my heart feels like it's fallen to the floor & shattered into a million tiny pieces. my attempts to carry on as normal & pick the pices of my heart & mind up, have been in vain- most nights i've cried myself to sleep (which in itself is unusual- i DON'T cry).

i can honestly say  i feel like i'm going no where anymore (i'm really trying not to sound too emo). i know i'm at uni, but half of me feels like i'm there because i feel i should be, i have no idea how i'll cope once uni's done with, i have no idea what i'll do. however sad it sounds, i have absolutely no ambition to change anything to do with my habits. in my mind, it's completely acceptable to continue with the extremeties that each day brings. one day extreme negligence, i don't sleep or eat; & the next- complete over indulgence; binging, sleeping for hours on end.
i have no middle ground. i can't find any middle ground.

if my head were an image, i imagine it'd be a war scene- 'no man's land' to be more specific. no area is safe, there is always the threat of the other side, you just don't know when it's coming.
i feel a little lost, i think, & invisible to the world.




right now, right in the moment- i feel like a time bomb; i'm just waiting to explode & it ain't gunna be pretty.

danger will follow me now, everywhere i go. . .

today, in my research methods class, we started looking into questionnaires (sounds boring i know, but bare with me!) & started planning one of our own in small groups. the lecturer gave us copies of two other questionnaires that are already used by doctors etc- one on locus of control, & the other on anxity/depression. before i even knew what we were doing, i informed my whole group that we would not being doing ANYTHING in regard to depression. i was quite abrupt & i hadn't even realised i'd said it at first. i hadn't thought about it, it just came out.

this is the first time, i've even slightly let my gaurd drop within a group. emma knows i have 'mental health issues' but no one else. it paniced me. oh my, this is such ramble.
i think it was actually flicking through the anxiety/depression questionnaire that made my mood plummet.
ANYWAY, when were were designing our own stuff (on locus of control, obvs haha) someone mentioned about being lonely in a room of people etc.
i know it's so cliche & cheesy but it's so true- i can sit in a lecture, with nearly 200 people & still feel like the most lonely person in the world.


i absolutely hate how selfish feeling like this makes me; i know i'm not the first, & won't be the last, person to ever feel like this- there are plenty of people who feel worse. but in all honesty, i feel like the most lonely person in the world. i feel like i'm slipping away, further from reality & into these feelings/behaviours.

i don't wish to sound melo-dramatic; i don't even know why the fuck i've just said that because anything after will just sound ridiculously dramatic. but mhmm, since wednesday i've not been sleeping all that well & i think it's just perpetuating this disgusting mood. i've started, i'm not sure of the right word. . .fantasising? about my own death- not in an 'i'm planning on topping myself'' way, but literally i daydream all day about different ways i could die. the latest was being run over- i was half asleep & woke up thinking about funeral songs.
i don't know what i'm getting at, it's just wearing me down.

even angels have their evil schemes.

i am so tired, but my head won't allow my body to stop. i must keep moving; pretending that things are okay. if i'm doing something, it means i can ignore how i'm feeling- or more, how i'm NOT feeling. i'm feeling completely & utterly numb. i've arranged all the christmas presents i have bought so far; written a list of who i've got for, & what. & then i wrote another list of how much i've spent so far, & arranged all the receipts in alphabetical order (in accordance to the store name). this is ridiculous. i've tidied. i've done all the washing up (everyone in the flats), dried it all & put it back in everyone's cupboards. i have that dull ache in my head; you know, the one where you feel so low but don't feel anything at all? you just know it's there & it's so disorientating & lonely; i feel the need to isolate myself for a few days. i feel the need to just shut down. i don't want to be here; i don't think it's so much that i'm suicidal, it's not necessarily that i want to die, i just want to go away for a while. away from the world. away from myself. i knew i'd most probably gain a little weight when i came to uni; & i was suprised, when i weighed at home, that it hadn't gone up by much. but even such a 'small' increase has left me devestated. i'm at the point where i refuse to wear certain clothes (i've not really been like this before, when i was at a steady weight, i'd wear most of the things i had, just avoid them on some days); but it panics me when i feel i have nothing 'safe' to wear. keeping up a pretense of liking food at uni, is difficult & tiring. the only stability i have in my life at the moment is laxatives, which is ridiculous. i want to go home, & hug my mum. i don't want to explain anything, or be asked any questions. i just want a hug from my mum. if i can hug my mum, then i can pretend that i'm still dependant on her- in my head i can be a child again, even for a moment, & i don't have to take responsibility for any of the mess i call my life. tonight, we had the 4th fire drill of the week in my block. THEY'VE ONLY BEEN HAPPENING IN MY BLOCK & IT'S GETTING RIDICULOUS. i swear to god, if it goes off again, someone best be burning or else i won't go out. when letting my thoughts get irrational, i wonder if someone's doing it on purpose, soley to let everyone see what a state i am- i mean, i know the whole block goes outside & that we're all in the same boat, but i feel as though when i step out the door i'm instantly going to be judged. there is going to be something wrong with me, something that in the rush of getting out i hadn't a chance to sort, & it scares me. it scares me that i could be judged by anyone. i hate leaving the flat, but i hate being in it more (sometimes). i don't even know why i'm still typing, & to be honest, i'm not really sure what the point of this blog is or what i've said so far. it's 4.08am & i'm so awake, it's ridiculous. y'know that feeling after you faint, where your head feels a little spacey & you get a little disorientated & can't concentrate on much at all, for any length of time? that's how i feel right now. & it's annoying as fuck. living is literally wearing me down; but i'm not living. i'm alive, but i'm not living. just going through the (e)motions.

this could be funny; cause i'm about to lose control.

i'm not entirely sure where to begin with this.
i feel like i have no concrete thoughts to put to paper (or page, so to speak)- obviously i'm thinking, i have thoughts going through my head, but they're all moving around so fast that i can't seem to make all that much sense of them. all i know, maybe through assumption or habit, is that they're not good.

i wish i was feeling even slightly productive; i have uni work to do already & i WANT to do it, i NEED to do it- i just won't do it. i've got into some silly habits during my years of education- i am one of the worlds worst procrastinators. i leave everything, & i mean EVERYTHING, untill the very last minute. i don't want to be like that here, not at uni, not when deadlines are so important & not when my degree will form the foundations of my career. i can't afford to fuck this up too.

i get myself into these little ruts of, erm, despair? haha. i'd like to think that one day, i'll see them coming & be able to say 'STOP! that is not nice!' (miss sparkles, 2010). i hate feeling this way, or not feeling this way? the truth is, 98% of the time i honestly don't know how i feel. i've spent so many years telling everyone that i'm okay, that now- every feeling or emotion is just 'okay' to me. i can't tell the difference between being actually okay, or feeling desperately low. i'm learning to take subtle cues from my behaviours though- i'll get there, one day.


this week, i've felt like a (not so) little fish, in a big fuck off ocean. i had my 'disability' appointment on thursday (i love that mental health issues are classed as a disability haha). . .no thanks, i don't need my lecture notes in braille- neither do i need a sign language translator :')
so anyway, i had my appt on thursday & walked away feeling ridiculously overwhelmed. don't get me wrong, the lady was really nice (aren't they bloody always); i just feel like i've been given so much information & then sent on my way to sort it out myself. maybe it's because, when i was at home, everything was arranged for me; it's eaiser to play the part of someone who's willing to try & help themselves when you only have to worry about turning up for appointments & sessions. now i'm at uni, it's the real test; do i want to continue with some sort of counselling, do i want to ask for help managing the disaster that is my eating disorder?  i feel i should say yes, but i know i'll be lying. i don't want to be like this forever; but i know i wouldn't change now, i know it'd be a waste of everyone's time.

so, for the time being, i'll play along. i'll be just another first year, i'll be 'okay' & 'normal' to the outside world. this is the only way i know to deal with so many new people, new places.



one day they'll probably all realise that it's all just smoke & mirrors.