today, in my research methods class, we started looking into questionnaires (sounds boring i know, but bare with me!) & started planning one of our own in small groups. the lecturer gave us copies of two other questionnaires that are already used by doctors etc- one on locus of control, & the other on anxity/depression. before i even knew what we were doing, i informed my whole group that we would not being doing ANYTHING in regard to depression. i was quite abrupt & i hadn't even realised i'd said it at first. i hadn't thought about it, it just came out.
this is the first time, i've even slightly let my gaurd drop within a group. emma knows i have 'mental health issues' but no one else. it paniced me. oh my, this is such ramble.
i think it was actually flicking through the anxiety/depression questionnaire that made my mood plummet.
ANYWAY, when were were designing our own stuff (on locus of control, obvs haha) someone mentioned about being lonely in a room of people etc.
i know it's so cliche & cheesy but it's so true- i can sit in a lecture, with nearly 200 people & still feel like the most lonely person in the world.
i absolutely hate how selfish feeling like this makes me; i know i'm not the first, & won't be the last, person to ever feel like this- there are plenty of people who feel worse. but in all honesty, i feel like the most lonely person in the world. i feel like i'm slipping away, further from reality & into these feelings/behaviours.
i don't wish to sound melo-dramatic; i don't even know why the fuck i've just said that because anything after will just sound ridiculously dramatic. but mhmm, since wednesday i've not been sleeping all that well & i think it's just perpetuating this disgusting mood. i've started, i'm not sure of the right word. . .fantasising? about my own death- not in an 'i'm planning on topping myself'' way, but literally i daydream all day about different ways i could die. the latest was being run over- i was half asleep & woke up thinking about funeral songs.
i don't know what i'm getting at, it's just wearing me down.
No comments:
Post a Comment