this could be funny; cause i'm about to lose control.

i'm not entirely sure where to begin with this.
i feel like i have no concrete thoughts to put to paper (or page, so to speak)- obviously i'm thinking, i have thoughts going through my head, but they're all moving around so fast that i can't seem to make all that much sense of them. all i know, maybe through assumption or habit, is that they're not good.

i wish i was feeling even slightly productive; i have uni work to do already & i WANT to do it, i NEED to do it- i just won't do it. i've got into some silly habits during my years of education- i am one of the worlds worst procrastinators. i leave everything, & i mean EVERYTHING, untill the very last minute. i don't want to be like that here, not at uni, not when deadlines are so important & not when my degree will form the foundations of my career. i can't afford to fuck this up too.

i get myself into these little ruts of, erm, despair? haha. i'd like to think that one day, i'll see them coming & be able to say 'STOP! that is not nice!' (miss sparkles, 2010). i hate feeling this way, or not feeling this way? the truth is, 98% of the time i honestly don't know how i feel. i've spent so many years telling everyone that i'm okay, that now- every feeling or emotion is just 'okay' to me. i can't tell the difference between being actually okay, or feeling desperately low. i'm learning to take subtle cues from my behaviours though- i'll get there, one day.


this week, i've felt like a (not so) little fish, in a big fuck off ocean. i had my 'disability' appointment on thursday (i love that mental health issues are classed as a disability haha). . .no thanks, i don't need my lecture notes in braille- neither do i need a sign language translator :')
so anyway, i had my appt on thursday & walked away feeling ridiculously overwhelmed. don't get me wrong, the lady was really nice (aren't they bloody always); i just feel like i've been given so much information & then sent on my way to sort it out myself. maybe it's because, when i was at home, everything was arranged for me; it's eaiser to play the part of someone who's willing to try & help themselves when you only have to worry about turning up for appointments & sessions. now i'm at uni, it's the real test; do i want to continue with some sort of counselling, do i want to ask for help managing the disaster that is my eating disorder?  i feel i should say yes, but i know i'll be lying. i don't want to be like this forever; but i know i wouldn't change now, i know it'd be a waste of everyone's time.

so, for the time being, i'll play along. i'll be just another first year, i'll be 'okay' & 'normal' to the outside world. this is the only way i know to deal with so many new people, new places.



one day they'll probably all realise that it's all just smoke & mirrors.