even angels have their evil schemes.

i am so tired, but my head won't allow my body to stop. i must keep moving; pretending that things are okay. if i'm doing something, it means i can ignore how i'm feeling- or more, how i'm NOT feeling. i'm feeling completely & utterly numb. i've arranged all the christmas presents i have bought so far; written a list of who i've got for, & what. & then i wrote another list of how much i've spent so far, & arranged all the receipts in alphabetical order (in accordance to the store name). this is ridiculous. i've tidied. i've done all the washing up (everyone in the flats), dried it all & put it back in everyone's cupboards. i have that dull ache in my head; you know, the one where you feel so low but don't feel anything at all? you just know it's there & it's so disorientating & lonely; i feel the need to isolate myself for a few days. i feel the need to just shut down. i don't want to be here; i don't think it's so much that i'm suicidal, it's not necessarily that i want to die, i just want to go away for a while. away from the world. away from myself. i knew i'd most probably gain a little weight when i came to uni; & i was suprised, when i weighed at home, that it hadn't gone up by much. but even such a 'small' increase has left me devestated. i'm at the point where i refuse to wear certain clothes (i've not really been like this before, when i was at a steady weight, i'd wear most of the things i had, just avoid them on some days); but it panics me when i feel i have nothing 'safe' to wear. keeping up a pretense of liking food at uni, is difficult & tiring. the only stability i have in my life at the moment is laxatives, which is ridiculous. i want to go home, & hug my mum. i don't want to explain anything, or be asked any questions. i just want a hug from my mum. if i can hug my mum, then i can pretend that i'm still dependant on her- in my head i can be a child again, even for a moment, & i don't have to take responsibility for any of the mess i call my life. tonight, we had the 4th fire drill of the week in my block. THEY'VE ONLY BEEN HAPPENING IN MY BLOCK & IT'S GETTING RIDICULOUS. i swear to god, if it goes off again, someone best be burning or else i won't go out. when letting my thoughts get irrational, i wonder if someone's doing it on purpose, soley to let everyone see what a state i am- i mean, i know the whole block goes outside & that we're all in the same boat, but i feel as though when i step out the door i'm instantly going to be judged. there is going to be something wrong with me, something that in the rush of getting out i hadn't a chance to sort, & it scares me. it scares me that i could be judged by anyone. i hate leaving the flat, but i hate being in it more (sometimes). i don't even know why i'm still typing, & to be honest, i'm not really sure what the point of this blog is or what i've said so far. it's 4.08am & i'm so awake, it's ridiculous. y'know that feeling after you faint, where your head feels a little spacey & you get a little disorientated & can't concentrate on much at all, for any length of time? that's how i feel right now. & it's annoying as fuck. living is literally wearing me down; but i'm not living. i'm alive, but i'm not living. just going through the (e)motions.