'cause there's a side to you that i never knew, never knew.

i set fire to the rain,
& i threw us into the flames,
well, i felt something die,
'cause i knew that that was the last time, the last time.




i feel like i have so so much, & yet so little to write. there are things circling but i'm so tired that i can't bring the thoughts to the forefront of my mind. i feel like my body is shutting down on me, it hurts to move, hurts to sit still, hurts to breathe. i'm unsure whether it's a physical pain, or my symptoms are becoming somewhat psychosomatic.
it sounds silly, but when i come in & lock the door, lay down & just listen to my ipod, it almost feels like sleeping. i get lost in a world of notes, beats, lyrics. it gives me a time out. bearing in mind that am in no way musically minded (other than the general singing along), i long to be able to play instruments, or have the ability to sing properly. i get such a relief from music, yet i don't understand in. i make the assumption that because my ipod is a continuous fml playlist, i must just somewhat relate to what i listen to.

this week's been a struggle. & my family are picking up on it, although they're 235miles from me. my dad keeps texting me & my mum keeps asking how i am & saying that my dad's worried. i'm past the point of trying to hide this all right now. i don't have the energy to hide; let me rephrase that, i don't have to energy to make sure it's hidden at all times. i've not gone to the polar opposite & informed every single person of my list of ailments, but if they realise right now- i don't care. i don't have to energy or drive to fight.

i don't want to fight anymore; but i still can't let go.







(this blog is turning into the ridiculous ramble of an 11-year-old emo, i'm sorry)