when posting my last couple of blogs, i've not been able to find the words to say, well, anything. recently i've just posted videos of songs that i majorly relate to in the moment. i need to learn how to express myself, what i'm FEELING- i often know what i think i'm feeling but never realise how i actually feel, ever.
OMFG WHOEVER LIVES ABOVE ME NEEDS TO DIE; THEY ARE SO LOUD THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO EXPLODE INTO A RAGE OF FIRE & STAB THE MOTHERFUCKERS.
sorry, tangent.
i don't feel like part of anything at the moment; like disconnected from everyone- everything. i want to isolate myself from the world, i don't want to get up, get dressed, go out- move. i don't want to breathe, because breathing hurts (AHAHAHAHA, i'm regressing to a fourteen-year-old emo :') stab me rib, stab stab). i don't know if it's a case of isolating myself, shutting off from the world in a bid to have justification to feel like this- if that makes sense?
don't get me wrong, it's nice to see people sometimes. i had a lovely time with with of my favourite girls, lily, last night- but i kind've just felt like i wasn't there. i don't feel like i'm anywhere, unless i'm in the bathroom trying to force my whole fist into my mouth. i'm growing weary of going through the motions.
in other news, i had another appointment with my ed nurse last week, who wanted me to start trying with breakfast. . .or at least eating earlier in the day. some days i succeed; but it's a case of- the earlier i eat, the earlier i purge. she's going to look into refering me for 'proper cbt', because she does think what they can provide at the doctors with be enough.
i seriously don't agree that how i am warrants any sort of help- things could be so much worse.
i have to go, because i'm going to cry with anger at the bastards living above me. seohtgkjfbjdbgjfngk :@
i don't understand how it's possible to feel so completely full of emotion, & completely void & empty at the same time. i swear there is so much shit running through my mind, but it's as though there is nothing- no continuous thoughts that i can grasp & nothing that i can comprehend.
i want to disappear; to go away. this is not me saying i want to kill myself BUT i just don't want to be here. i don't feel like i'm adding anything to the world by being here. i feel like a wasted body; the body & mind of a monster. i'm defected, damaged goods. at work, defected goods get 'written off' & destroyed; i want to add myself to the list- i feel like i should be sent away to be demolished. i don't know what i want anymore.
i have, somewhat, of a plan of what i want to do. i have no idea how to make my life get there & i certainly don't see myself there in the future. i don't see my future. i don't want to see my future. whenever i've had any sort of therapy, they always ask me 'where do you want to be/where do you see yourself in 5/10 years time?' i know that, if i'm still alive, i'll still be battling with food & i'll still hate myself. there's a part of me that wishes all the damaging things would catch up with me, & just kill me. i always go to bed, close my eyes & half wish to go into cardiac arrest & never wake up. i'll be driving down the motorway & find myself wondering what will happen if i don't turn the bend; just keep going into the barrier, further.
keep at the happy visage, each day a little more make up, a little more pretense. it's worked so well over the past eight years, so why is it breaking me now?
i feel like i don't know anything anymore. i feel like i don't have any reason to be like this; i have no justification for how i feel or behave.
i've rediscovered pink over the past week or so, i forgot how much i love her music (on the note of music, cheryl cole has just appeared on my tv & i'm struggling to see the connection between her, a beat & the term music).
i keep thinking of all these things that i want to say, that i feel i should type- that i should get out. in true form, i feel these words, feelings, behaviours, thoughts need to be purged from my system. i can't handle them being inside me anymore. i honestly thought that giving myself a break & coming home for a week would do me some good (well, would have some positivity), but my eating hasn't been so chaotic in a while. at uni it's okay, i know i'll binge & purge everyday BUT i can anticipate what sort of time it will happen & what i'll eat & how i can work it into my day. here i don't have that 'control' (can't believe i've used that terminology, but it's the only word that fits); the food is in the house, i have no routine & i've been eating/purging/binging/purging/binging/laxing all day, everyday.
i met up with the best friend i have ever had today, we'd not spoken since before christmas so it was nice to kind of clear the air but i don't know- it was different. i feel different, i don't feel like me. i am not the disgusting thing people see & speak to; i know i'm not, not on the inside.
i'm feeling a little sad tonight; in all honesty i've been fighting the urge to self harm for over a week but none of the doctors, nurses. . .anyone believes me when i try to tell them how sad i am. "it says you've mentioned your moods. . .well, you don't seem to be very low in mood today!" just because i've taught myself to hide ANYTHING to do with emotion since i was twelve, does not mean i'm not feeling it.
i feel defeated by the system, although it's ultimately my decision to make change. i've been referred to the uni ed clinic which uses a twelve step self help programme (which ideally should be used alongisde another text- i.e. the exact same thing i have done in cbt before). "getting better bit(e) by bit(e)" is the worst book i have ever purchased, i wish i'd kept the friggin' reciept.
i'm losing my mind, bit by bit, a little more every single day.
i'm 100% running on empty. i know it's not doctors' fault that i'm like this; they didn't make my moods plummet or my sleep stop, but i feel like they won't acknowledge that i physically cannot take it anymore.
when i talk to doctors, 9 times out of 10, they make me feel about two foot tall. everytime i go, another bit of any remaining confidence i have is chipped away.
in all honesty, they make me feel like i have to do something ridiculous & drastic before they'll listen.
you know it ain't easy
for these thoughts here to leave me
there's no words to describe it
in french or in english cause diamonds they fade
& flowers they bloom
& i'm telling you
these feelings won't go away
they've been knockin' me sideways
they've been knockin' me out late
whenever you come around me
these feelings won't go away
they've been knockin' me sideways
i keep thinking in a moment that
time will take them away
but these feelings won't go away
i set fire to the rain,
& i threw us into the flames, well, i felt something die,
'cause i knew that that was the last time, the last time.
i feel like i have so so much, & yet so little to write. there are things circling but i'm so tired that i can't bring the thoughts to the forefront of my mind. i feel like my body is shutting down on me, it hurts to move, hurts to sit still, hurts to breathe. i'm unsure whether it's a physical pain, or my symptoms are becoming somewhat psychosomatic. it sounds silly, but when i come in & lock the door, lay down & just listen to my ipod, it almost feels like sleeping. i get lost in a world of notes, beats, lyrics. it gives me a time out. bearing in mind that am in no way musically minded (other than the general singing along), i long to be able to play instruments, or have the ability to sing properly. i get such a relief from music, yet i don't understand in. i make the assumption that because my ipod is a continuous fml playlist, i must just somewhat relate to what i listen to.
this week's been a struggle. & my family are picking up on it, although they're 235miles from me. my dad keeps texting me & my mum keeps asking how i am & saying that my dad's worried. i'm past the point of trying to hide this all right now. i don't have the energy to hide; let me rephrase that, i don't have to energy to make sure it's hidden at all times. i've not gone to the polar opposite & informed every single person of my list of ailments, but if they realise right now- i don't care. i don't have to energy or drive to fight.
i don't want to fight anymore; but i still can't let go.
(this blog is turning into the ridiculous ramble of an 11-year-old emo, i'm sorry)
