don't you know that you're toxic.

"how was your trip? i didn't know you were home!
you look. . .you've been eating well!"

regrets & mistakes, they're memories made;

i'm home.
i couldn't last 6 weeks in europe if i tried.
i'm home alone.
my dad's in hospital.
i'm worried this might kill him.
i'm worried i can't cope.



i know i can't cope. i think. do i? i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing, or feeling, or how i should act. maybe it won't get better. probably won't, at least for a long time.
i can't handle being in my own skin right now. it's worse than normal.


i
just
don't
know
what
i'm
doing.


















someonemakethisgoaway.

& they say, she's in the class a team.

i am so tired, it's unreal. i've not had a day off of work for almost 2 weeks & many of those days have been 11 hour shifts. it's ridiculous but has gone smoothly; time has flown by. i go travelling in 3 weeks- crazy. i'm really not ready, not prepared for what is ahead of me. i'm scared, & i've not been scared in a long time.

i've been eating, not normally, but ermm. . .more regularly recently & it's made me doubt every appointment & assesment i've ever had. i know that sounds silly. if anyone else said it, i'd tell them they were wrong & a few weeks of regular eating doesn't mean they are cured. but i feel like i'm cheating & it's pulling me down. i'm sure it's the fluoxetine that make me eat more. in my head, for me, fluoxetine makes me fat. i don't know if i want to keep taking it. i can't go away for six weeks feeling so disgusting.

i'm getting that anxious feeling building up. i feel like i need to throw myself on the floor, just to release this feeling.

isetrhgdt urgh. i don't know.
i'm not happy, at all, & i'm expanding at a ridiculous rate. maybe stopping the meds for a while will help. urgh.

what i do, isn't up to you. & if the city never sleeps, then that makes two.

i

am

struggling.

you need me, man, i don't need you.

i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.

off. back. out. gone. I NEED IT GONE.
i've had a 'good' week in regards to bulimia. what others would call 'good', but one which i am panicing about. one that i will not repeat. one that i don't care to relive. summer's going to be hard. even harder if i fight for my own health; i don't have the strength. maybe september can me a new start. . . .


this is starting to become somewhat of a pattern.

the worst things in life come to us for free.

i'm heading back down south tomorrow; back home where things are unchanged. everything is the same, except me. i feel different & i don't know in what way. i was thinking about my dad earlier, about how he's waiting for his transplant etc- it worried me. i know this sounds normal, you're meant to worry about your family in situations like this, but i spent so so long hating & resenting my dad, that it's surreal to me to feel any sort of compassion of upset for him. my nan had the same illness that my dad has; an illness which broke my nan down & eventually caused her to die. it's just a strange feeling to know that this COULD kill my dad. i know it probably won't, but it could & urgh. i just don't know.

i'm feeling a little down today, but nothing i can't handle. i'm obsessed with this song at the moment ^
i'm going for a meal with the girls from uni in a little while- one of them is changing unis so i feel obliged to go. no, i don't feel obliged- i WANT to go, it will be uncomfortable but i want to go, i want to say my goodbyes & enjoy the time with my friends. surely i'm allowed that.

last night a was told i need to loose 2lbs, haha. "no babes, it was a joke- you're sound & you have a great figure. i didn't mean it."

think about your 'jokes' before you open your mouth. 2lbs would just be the start. i need to get all this off me before i go away in the summer.

you can't feel me, no, like i feel you.

i feel like my insides are falling apart. my reflux is ridiculous right now, even when i'm taking omeprazole- & i've hardly been purging recently either. my kidneys feel like they're literally trying to escape & they hurt so much that i've been curled up in balls, crying everywhere. urgh. i just don't know what to do with myself.

lora keeps telling me to go to the doctors but i fell asleep earlier & couldn't go. i've got an appt on tuesday so i need to hold out till then. meh. feeling like this makes me sad. rishtrgdhg.