you need me, man, i don't need you.

i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.
i need this gone.

off. back. out. gone. I NEED IT GONE.
i've had a 'good' week in regards to bulimia. what others would call 'good', but one which i am panicing about. one that i will not repeat. one that i don't care to relive. summer's going to be hard. even harder if i fight for my own health; i don't have the strength. maybe september can me a new start. . . .


this is starting to become somewhat of a pattern.

the worst things in life come to us for free.

i'm heading back down south tomorrow; back home where things are unchanged. everything is the same, except me. i feel different & i don't know in what way. i was thinking about my dad earlier, about how he's waiting for his transplant etc- it worried me. i know this sounds normal, you're meant to worry about your family in situations like this, but i spent so so long hating & resenting my dad, that it's surreal to me to feel any sort of compassion of upset for him. my nan had the same illness that my dad has; an illness which broke my nan down & eventually caused her to die. it's just a strange feeling to know that this COULD kill my dad. i know it probably won't, but it could & urgh. i just don't know.

i'm feeling a little down today, but nothing i can't handle. i'm obsessed with this song at the moment ^
i'm going for a meal with the girls from uni in a little while- one of them is changing unis so i feel obliged to go. no, i don't feel obliged- i WANT to go, it will be uncomfortable but i want to go, i want to say my goodbyes & enjoy the time with my friends. surely i'm allowed that.

last night a was told i need to loose 2lbs, haha. "no babes, it was a joke- you're sound & you have a great figure. i didn't mean it."

think about your 'jokes' before you open your mouth. 2lbs would just be the start. i need to get all this off me before i go away in the summer.

you can't feel me, no, like i feel you.

i feel like my insides are falling apart. my reflux is ridiculous right now, even when i'm taking omeprazole- & i've hardly been purging recently either. my kidneys feel like they're literally trying to escape & they hurt so much that i've been curled up in balls, crying everywhere. urgh. i just don't know what to do with myself.

lora keeps telling me to go to the doctors but i fell asleep earlier & couldn't go. i've got an appt on tuesday so i need to hold out till then. meh. feeling like this makes me sad. rishtrgdhg.

i was alone, falling free; trying my best not to forget

"i did not want to worry about anyone watching my eating, monitoring how long i stayed in the bathroom, or looking to see if my face had puffed out at the cheeks or if there were broken blood vessels under my watery eyes. i did not want to stop throwing up. i needed my bulimia in order to survive, and no one and nothing could convince me to give up what had become my sole coping skill. i knew all about the physiological, medical and emotional consequences that might occur if i continued to throw up, but i could not stop, and no one was going to make me. it didn't matter to me that death was on the top of the list of possible consequences.

i had slipped further underground, hiding my disease with a calculated precision."

i'm addicted & i just can't get enough,

my head is all over the place, but at the same time it feels so empty &, urgh i don't know.
today i'm meant to be doing my uni work, it's due in at 4pm tomorrow, & i have a tonne to do. i haven't started. procrastination is the biggest issue in my life (well, ish haha). i put EVERYTHING off untill the last minute, i'll do anything but the task in hand- today, even eating everything i can find instead of working. i can smell mini eggs & it's making me feel sick. i can see myself in the reflection of my laptop screen, it's making me feel sick.



i think i feel sad today, more than sad.
mhmm. i want to get back to sheffield for a while.

even if the sky is falling down,

i haven't blogged in nearly a month, things are so busy at home- i'm working LOTS & if i'm not working i'm sleeping. i don't know where i stand with bulimia right now. nor do i really know where i stand with fluoxetine. i'm twenty now (it was my birthday on good friday) & it feels wrong. i never imagined my life not being a teenager. i had a lovely time though, & enjoyed the company.

please ignore how disgusting i look.

it's strange to me that i have literally lost the ability to feel any emotion. i don't feel happy, or sad, or angry. i don't feel anything. i'm just here, moving, breathing, working, sleeping, eating. i'm being. but i still don't feel alive.

i don't understand & thus, have had little to write on here.

i went to the crematorium today; it was emotional, but nice.
i want to go back & sit forever.

mama please don't cry, i will be alright;

i worry a lot about my mum, i wonder how other people's families deal with their issues- but it's not something that ever really gets spoken about, is it? i always feel so scared when i have to tell my mum things; well not when i have to, but when i feel i should. i tense up & my speech is frozen when she asks me questions about any treatment or heaven forbid, about my actual eating disorder.

this week, i went to see a gp, my nurse suggest i go in for chat after she asked me to do the PHQ-9 & my score was high. to be honest, i thought they'd fob me off, again. i went anyways, what's being turned away again when it's happened so many times? but this guy listened, he read all my notes & asked my questions about my life, about the bulimia, self harm, uni- everything. it was quite nice to be listened to bya doctor & not just refered along the line. anyway, he's prescribed me some anti-depressants. i was a little worried about taking them, but what do i have to lose? there's nothing more than could happen that could make things worse. so here goes. day two of fluoxetine. welcome to the prozac nation.

i think my mood has stablised this week; obviously i know it won't be the medz yet ahaha, but i just feel calmer- still low, still not happy, but calm & stable works for me and i'm gunna roll with it. i had a few panicy days, because of my ipod- i KNOW it sounds pathetic, but my ipod is pretty much my barrier to the world. if i'm alone & have my ipod, then it doesn't matter what else is going on around me- if i don't have it, i panic being alone & in public; but it's fixed (fingers crossed for good!). i'm going home for a month on tuesday :) it will be nice to be home for a while & get back to earning some money- but don't get my wrong i'm pretty sure i'll be ready to come home after two weeks. i'll miss all my girls, especially emma & lora (in picture).

ahahaha, i got away without paying for my prescription the other day & it made my day. i'd been really specific about whether i had to pay cause i'm a full time student (i'm fully aware that i'm nearly 20, & even though i'm a student, still have to pay but i like to chance my luck!). anyways, two people both told me i would have to pay but they'd give me a receipt so i can claim it back when i send off my hc2 form.
they handed me my prescription & said bye, without me paying. i'm officially £7.20 up on the nhs & i'm a little bit proud.