mama please don't cry, i will be alright;

i worry a lot about my mum, i wonder how other people's families deal with their issues- but it's not something that ever really gets spoken about, is it? i always feel so scared when i have to tell my mum things; well not when i have to, but when i feel i should. i tense up & my speech is frozen when she asks me questions about any treatment or heaven forbid, about my actual eating disorder.

this week, i went to see a gp, my nurse suggest i go in for chat after she asked me to do the PHQ-9 & my score was high. to be honest, i thought they'd fob me off, again. i went anyways, what's being turned away again when it's happened so many times? but this guy listened, he read all my notes & asked my questions about my life, about the bulimia, self harm, uni- everything. it was quite nice to be listened to bya doctor & not just refered along the line. anyway, he's prescribed me some anti-depressants. i was a little worried about taking them, but what do i have to lose? there's nothing more than could happen that could make things worse. so here goes. day two of fluoxetine. welcome to the prozac nation.

i think my mood has stablised this week; obviously i know it won't be the medz yet ahaha, but i just feel calmer- still low, still not happy, but calm & stable works for me and i'm gunna roll with it. i had a few panicy days, because of my ipod- i KNOW it sounds pathetic, but my ipod is pretty much my barrier to the world. if i'm alone & have my ipod, then it doesn't matter what else is going on around me- if i don't have it, i panic being alone & in public; but it's fixed (fingers crossed for good!). i'm going home for a month on tuesday :) it will be nice to be home for a while & get back to earning some money- but don't get my wrong i'm pretty sure i'll be ready to come home after two weeks. i'll miss all my girls, especially emma & lora (in picture).

ahahaha, i got away without paying for my prescription the other day & it made my day. i'd been really specific about whether i had to pay cause i'm a full time student (i'm fully aware that i'm nearly 20, & even though i'm a student, still have to pay but i like to chance my luck!). anyways, two people both told me i would have to pay but they'd give me a receipt so i can claim it back when i send off my hc2 form.
they handed me my prescription & said bye, without me paying. i'm officially £7.20 up on the nhs & i'm a little bit proud.