even if the sky is falling down,

i haven't blogged in nearly a month, things are so busy at home- i'm working LOTS & if i'm not working i'm sleeping. i don't know where i stand with bulimia right now. nor do i really know where i stand with fluoxetine. i'm twenty now (it was my birthday on good friday) & it feels wrong. i never imagined my life not being a teenager. i had a lovely time though, & enjoyed the company.

please ignore how disgusting i look.

it's strange to me that i have literally lost the ability to feel any emotion. i don't feel happy, or sad, or angry. i don't feel anything. i'm just here, moving, breathing, working, sleeping, eating. i'm being. but i still don't feel alive.

i don't understand & thus, have had little to write on here.

i went to the crematorium today; it was emotional, but nice.
i want to go back & sit forever.

mama please don't cry, i will be alright;

i worry a lot about my mum, i wonder how other people's families deal with their issues- but it's not something that ever really gets spoken about, is it? i always feel so scared when i have to tell my mum things; well not when i have to, but when i feel i should. i tense up & my speech is frozen when she asks me questions about any treatment or heaven forbid, about my actual eating disorder.

this week, i went to see a gp, my nurse suggest i go in for chat after she asked me to do the PHQ-9 & my score was high. to be honest, i thought they'd fob me off, again. i went anyways, what's being turned away again when it's happened so many times? but this guy listened, he read all my notes & asked my questions about my life, about the bulimia, self harm, uni- everything. it was quite nice to be listened to bya doctor & not just refered along the line. anyway, he's prescribed me some anti-depressants. i was a little worried about taking them, but what do i have to lose? there's nothing more than could happen that could make things worse. so here goes. day two of fluoxetine. welcome to the prozac nation.

i think my mood has stablised this week; obviously i know it won't be the medz yet ahaha, but i just feel calmer- still low, still not happy, but calm & stable works for me and i'm gunna roll with it. i had a few panicy days, because of my ipod- i KNOW it sounds pathetic, but my ipod is pretty much my barrier to the world. if i'm alone & have my ipod, then it doesn't matter what else is going on around me- if i don't have it, i panic being alone & in public; but it's fixed (fingers crossed for good!). i'm going home for a month on tuesday :) it will be nice to be home for a while & get back to earning some money- but don't get my wrong i'm pretty sure i'll be ready to come home after two weeks. i'll miss all my girls, especially emma & lora (in picture).

ahahaha, i got away without paying for my prescription the other day & it made my day. i'd been really specific about whether i had to pay cause i'm a full time student (i'm fully aware that i'm nearly 20, & even though i'm a student, still have to pay but i like to chance my luck!). anyways, two people both told me i would have to pay but they'd give me a receipt so i can claim it back when i send off my hc2 form.
they handed me my prescription & said bye, without me paying. i'm officially £7.20 up on the nhs & i'm a little bit proud.

running down corridoors, through automatic doors.

i read something earlier. or didn't read something. either way, i knew what you meant, & i know you couldn't bring yourself to say it because it's the truth hurts.
but by not saying it, made it worse.





i don't know what i'm doing anymore, & i don't care. the door is locked & i refuse to leave. i won't see anyone, nor will the see me.
i need to dig a whole & bury myself in it. i'm a fucking mess.

everything burns; while everyone screams.

i felt it coming this time; it normally just happens without me realising, but not this time.
i feel suffocated, & out of my depth.


so, so out of my depth.

why do you play me like a game?

it’s not okay; i don’t feel safe.

i tell my love to wreck it all.

i miss this.

come on skinny love, just last the year.