the older i get, the less i enjoy christmas. i'm assured that it's 'normal' to feel this way, but i can't help but feel that there is a difference is my indifference to this festive time of year. there's really nothing at all that i enjoy about christmas. i can't decide whether this is due to my mind being more & more consumed by anxiety over christmas dinner, every year. maybe.
over the last few months, but especially the days surrounding christmas day, i have been severely missing my nan & gramps. every time i think of them, i feel a surge of guilt rise within me, & my heart feels like it's fallen to the floor & shattered into a million tiny pieces. my attempts to carry on as normal & pick the pices of my heart & mind up, have been in vain- most nights i've cried myself to sleep (which in itself is unusual- i DON'T cry).
i can honestly say i feel like i'm going no where anymore (i'm really trying not to sound too emo). i know i'm at uni, but half of me feels like i'm there because i feel i should be, i have no idea how i'll cope once uni's done with, i have no idea what i'll do. however sad it sounds, i have absolutely no ambition to change anything to do with my habits. in my mind, it's completely acceptable to continue with the extremeties that each day brings. one day extreme negligence, i don't sleep or eat; & the next- complete over indulgence; binging, sleeping for hours on end.
i have no middle ground. i can't find any middle ground.
if my head were an image, i imagine it'd be a war scene- 'no man's land' to be more specific. no area is safe, there is always the threat of the other side, you just don't know when it's coming.
i feel a little lost, i think, & invisible to the world.
right now, right in the moment- i feel like a time bomb; i'm just waiting to explode & it ain't gunna be pretty.
