it's tripping me down, locked in a cage.

i am trapped in a haze. 
wondering how i'm back here now; this is one of the darkest depths of my mind i have even known.


my mind, my body- everything about me feels like it has gone on strike.i am not living. 
i feel like an outsider in my own mind; in my house; in life.
it's like i keep getting up & then tripping further.




i'm an outsider, standing on the lonely ground.

cause i can't find a way, of feeling safe.

the awkward moment when you start shitting, & spitting blood.


haha. lovin' life.












i need to be back at uni now, portsmouth is draining me.

the world is black.

i have been one of the most vile people to be around recently. 
i don't have the energy to even pretend to give a shit. i won't apologise because, i am angry at the world, at myself and everyone around me. i am angry because, for years, i have been trying to destroy myself; but my dad is in hospital now and has not wanted to die or been destructive. i am angry because him being in hospital hasn't made me want to change; it hasn't given me the kick up the backside that it maybe should have.


my dad is minus one kidney, & the one remaining it failing day by day. they found cancerous cells in his bowel. 
they keep moving his transplant date, & won't give us a firm date for him coming home.


so, i am angry. there is also a part of me that is jealous; that's sick, right?
the anger grows.

c-a-n-c-e-r

but now, i'm caught in the middle.

need to get off these meds.
need to get off this planet.
need to adjust my body.
need to change my mindset.
need to finish this shit.

stop the world; i wanna get off.